The New Boss is the Same as the Old Boss.
July 15, 2018
There was a time when
Disney only killed parents. Wait, Disney? That great and
storied purveyor of family movies? Yes. You don’t believe me?
Remember Bambi? His mother
is shot. Finding Nemo? His mother is eaten by a
barracuda in the first few minutes of the film. Lion King? His father is
murdered by his uncle, pushed off a cliff into a stampede of wildebeests. In
fact, there are 27 animated movies
produced by Disney where one or both of the parents either die or are already
dead. Some would say that is to give a sense of great emotional hardship to the
main character so that the audience will be more sympathetic. Another school of
thought is that Disney is telling its audience you don’t need your parents; we
are a better moral compass for you.
So now Disney is producing
the Marvel Cinematic Universe as a series of PG-13 movies. I’m going to offer
some advice to parents who are considering taking their under 12-year olds to
see it their latest installment, “Avengers: Infinity War”:
Don’t.
I’m sure a lot of you are
thinking, “well a lot of parents are taking their kids
to see it.” Sure, and a lot of parents are giving their kids guns as gifts. You
think that’s a great idea, too? So if we can dispense with any further
arguments about the intelligence of mob mentality…
OK, spoiler alerts (as if
people haven’t read a dozen columns already revealing these things):
In the latest Avengers,
kids get to see characters either tortured to death (Loki) or nearly tortured
to death (Dr. Strange). Oh, but that’s not enough. They also get to see a
father murder his own daughter. Yeah, good luck, parents, trying to explain
that one on the ride home from the theater.
Child: “Dad, would you
ever kill me?”
Dad: “No, of course not.”
Child: “Thanos did to get what he wanted… what if you would get a
raise?”
Dad: “No, never in a
million years.”
Child: “What if they gave
you a raise and a million dollars?”
Dad: “No. never.”
Child: “What about a
raise, a million dollars and a Ferrari?”
Dad: “Don’t be silly. I
would never hurt you.”
Child: “What if they gave
you a raise, a million dollars a Ferrari and you got to marry Angelina Jolie?”
Dad: (silence)
Child: “Dad?”
But seriously, did Disney
come up with the new slogan? “We don’t just kill parents anymore.”
Not just one kid. They
murdered Spiderman too, who was just in high school. Of course, Congress sends
its thoughts and prayers.
And why did they do this?
Was it for some greater lesson? No, it was so that the characters could act
like complete dumbasses.
In his debut movie, Dr.
Strange put a galactic bad guy into a time loop until he submitted to his
terms. Why didn’t he just do the same thing again with the most evil guy in the
universe BEFORE Thanos got the power to affect time
himself? Or use a portal to cut off the hand with the glove? He was using it
quite effectively to render other baddies less able. Or better yet, why not
just use a portal to cut off Thanos’ head before he
becomes a bad guy? Or, since has the power to control time, why not go back to
when Thanos was a baby, steal him from his parents
and make him an extra on “Teletubbies”? That would
scramble his brains forever. Threat neutralized. Or how about this: have Antman shrink, crawl into his ear, and then become
normal-sized again once inside, thereby exploding Thanos’
head. Speaking of Antman - just so I get this
straight – they didn’t have any problem with him violating his probation to
fight other Avengers, but didn’t bother to call on him to fight the most
powerful villain in the universe? Come again?
Oh, here’s another one:
why doesn’t someone tell Thanos, “hey dummy, once you
have all the stones and can control time, reality and have the power of
creation, why not simply double the number of inhabitable worlds instead of
murdering half the universe? You end up with the same result, just fewer pissed
off and/or sad people. And you’ll get to talk with your daughter about it so
you’ll have less regret as well.” Or hey, I don’t know, not mess with the
universe in the first place if you don’t have a plan that makes any
sense? By killing half the universe, Thanos
didn’t solve anything, just delayed the same thing happening again. And even
after he kills off half of the humanoid life in the universe (and by the way,
how is that determined? Are we going by strictly Earth human physiology?) that means that other life will have less competition for
resources and they will end up consuming more. Either way, the resources are
going to get used up by someone or something. Here’s an idea. Rather than
wiping out half of the intelligent life in the universe, why just wipe out half
the sperm and eggs in the universe? You’ve slowed the reproductive capacity,
thereby slowing the consumption rate, and no one will
even notice except for perhaps fertility doctors. How about this: how does Thanos know he won’t be one of the ones who will be
randomly erased? For that matter, why would anyone assist him not knowing if
they too would be erased? If it’s completely random, there’s no way anyone can
know who will be gone. If Thanos understands this -
that random chance might select him to be eliminated and by his logic be better
for it – why not just simplify matters and eliminate himself first? How could a
villain this moronic become so powerful? Did
This is not to say that
all Disney fare is terrible. The first “Iron Man” movie was fantastic, penned
by Mark Fergus, Hawk Otsby (both of whom also wrote
Children of Men), Art Marcum and Matt Holloway. Oh wait, that was before Disney
bought Marvel (2009). OK, the first “Guardians of the Galaxy” was also
brilliant, written by James Gunn and Nicole Perlman, the latter of whom wrote
the upcoming “Captain Marvel” script. I hope she can restore some semblance of
not-stupid back to this studio with that franchise.
Disney has a reputation of
making great, parent-neutral, family-friendly movies and a good deal of that
reputation is earned. “Toy Story”, “The Incredibles”,
the original “Jungle Book” (yes, Mowgli was orphaned, but he was also adopted
by a loving family), “Moana”, “Wreck-it Ralph”, “Mary
Poppins”, “Monsters Inc”, “Fantasia” and “Sleeping
Beauty” were all excellent movies. They need to find that mojo
again if they hope to avoid being just another factory studio churning out
drivel just to sell more figurines and hamburgers. Sure, they will make lots of
money, just like “Avatar” did. But in the end, all that people will remember
was that it was just a very expensive (and honestly, pretty silly… seriously – unobtanium?) remake of “Ferngully”.
The latter was a fine movie, that may or may not have merited a sequel, but
honestly, wouldn’t it be better to take a chance on a new idea once in a while?
Don’t we get enough recycled bad ideas from our government? Until we say
otherwise at the box office (and polls), I guess we deserve this.